Kidding Ourselves
by Candy Bar Wrapper
Summary: PostRENT. A young mother deals with a child, divorce and abuse. All caused by two men who used to be friends. A misunderstood connection involving rage and regret. Chapter Three is up. Read please? Better than it sounds.
1. Life Goes On

**Post-RENT. A young mother deals with a child, divorce and abuse. All caused by two men who used to be friends. I'm bad at summaries. Read please?**

**Disc. : Characters owned by Jonathan Larson. Well, all except Thomas. **

A range rover appeared from around the corner of the neighborhood avenue. Coming to a stop, the front tinted windows rolled down letting the sunrays invade the vehicle. The young woman behind the wheel removed her sunglasses from covering her pair of blue hazed eyes. Placing them onto her head, she caught a glimpse of herself in the rearview mirror. A pair of loose strands of auburn hair cradled her face causing her to brush them away behind her ears. A shade of purple appeared at her right temple, and she quickly changed her mind letting the bangs fall back onto covering the signs of yesterday's brutality.

Car parked, opening the door she stepped out into the usual lot of Tayside Elementary School. According to the nearest sign of time, she was twenty-five minutes late for the end of extended after school care. The building usually full of kids was long deserted by most. On the opposite side of the building child voices echoed from the playground, but she was sure that wouldn't be her destination. The woman stepped onto the sidewalk, approaching the school in a hurried manner.

"Mom. You're late." a sudden voice appeared behind her, causing her to jump. Turning around, a child appeared in her view. "Thomas!" she exclamed. "What did I tell you about doing that?"

"Mom, "she child started, but the young mother continued.

"And what did I tell you about wandering off like that? Wait at the gate, Tom. Never walk off, you got it?"

"But mom, you were..." he started again, biting on his bottom lip.

"Late. I know, hun. I promise, next time I'll be here before you. Allright?"

"But you never..."

"Tom-"

"But you're always late, mom." the boy spoke, turning away from the parent in front of him.

"Tom," she kneeled down in front of him, taking his hands into her own. "Listen to me. Next time, mommy will be here to pick you up. On time. Promise."

"Whatever." Quickly pulling away from her grasp, he headed towards the parked vehicle. The woman followed closely behind her son. The alarm beeped allowing the door to open as the boy attempted at it. Crawling into the backseat, he pulled onto the seatbelt, waiting for his mother. She took her seat behind the wheel, starting the engine as silence overcame them both.

"You'll be late to take me to dad's." he stated, staring out the window with a blank face as the car began to move.

"Your dad will just have to wait, Tom."

"At least dad wants me." the child mumbled, crossing his arms in a manner of showing attitude.

The young woman sighed, catching the reflection of the boy in the rearview mirror. "Honey, come on. Things are just a little different right now, but they'll get better. Just give it time. Then I'll just be you, me. I promise."

"And Ben." he added. "I hate Ben."

"Babe, I-" she started, but Tom had no intention of stopping.

"No!" he yelled. "You always promise. You say it will happen and it never does. Like with dad, you said it would be okay. It didn't work. You broke our family, mom. I hate Ben. I hate you!"

"Damn it, Thomas. Why can't you ever-"

"I want to go to Dad's!"

"You_ are _going to your Dad's!"

Silence overcame the rest of the car ride, until the rover once again came to a stop in front of a tall apartment building. The mother stepped out of the car, taking her child who unwillingly tried to pull away by hand. Slamming the door behind them, they proceeded inside. "I can go myself!" he protested, but she didn't let up. As they reached the lobby, she looked up the code she had memorized into her head all too clearly. Punching in the numbers, she phone tong rang and until a male voice appeared on the other end. "Yea?"

"Dad! It's me!" she boy yelled out, excited pulling away from his mothers grasp. A tone beeped and the door became unlocked. Both stepped farther into the lobby walking to the elevators. No words were exchanged in the ride up to the eighteenth floor.

"You don't need to come." the boy once again reminded his mother. Yet she persisted walking down the hall to the apartment by the number of 1802. Knocking onto the door, it came unlocked as a man appeared behind it. Dressed in a pair of blue jeans and a dark t-shirt and a look in his eyes with courage ready to take on the world. But at the sighed of her, his eyes dimmed and became lit up with nothing but hidden rage. Running his hand through his hair, shade of dark blonde, his focus quickly changed. "Hey, kid!" he greeted his son, stepping aside as if to let his proceed into the apartment. And so he did. "Dad!" the boy exclaimed excited, looking up at the man. "Finally! I couldn't wait to get away-.."

"Why don't you go into the living room. I got a surprise for ye!" the man said in return, turning to the woman in the doorway. "I need to talk to your mother."

"Okay, dad." The boy hurried down the hall and to the right, leaving the adults to face each other.

"You're late. What do you want?" he bluntly asked. "I paid the child support. I'm paying for the school trip to Washington. And for the soccer lessons. What else?"

"It's not about that. I just-"

"There is nothing else. As far as I'm concerned."

He blocked her attempt to step into the apartment.

"Fuck. I just wanted to talk--". Interrupted again, by her own self this time, she hit her hand onto his chest.

"Nothing for us left to discuss..." Grasping her by the wrist, he firmly held her. Her hair fell away to the side, revealing what she'd tried to keep away with it. Noticing one of the bruises, he continued. "Fuck... you still with him?"

She ignored the question. "Roger. I need you to take Tom this Thursday."

"I got work."

"We have an important dinner to go to. With one of his accounts."

"I don't give a damn! I can't get off work."

"But I can't take him." she said, voice beginning to shake. He didn't remember her being this weak. She looked it, too. Exhausted and washed out.

"Fine. Fuck. I'll do it. Is that it? " he said firmly, pushing the door closed.

She placed her foot in to jam the doorway. "No. One more thing."

"Daaaad?" Tom's voice called out from living room. "You coming?"

"Be right there." Roger called back in return, eyes not letting off the woman in front of him.

"What?" he snapped at her.

"Do you think we could just...talk sometime?"

"No."

"Come on, Davis. Please, I just want to.."

"No."

"Roger,"

"No. Go back to Benny, April. Get out."

And with that the door firmly shut, leaving two once inseparable people on both sides of it.

* * *

**Reviews, ideas, comments, critique… pretty please?**


	2. Shades of Gray

**NOTE: I took this chapter, edited it a bit and took two parts out of it and made a new one out of them. It made more sense this way, I think.**

**zzzz Survey zzzzz**

**What you like to see more of the bohemians in this? If so, who?**

**Spoiler: I've started something with none other than Mimi in it, but I wasn't sure if you guys wanted to see others.**

**Old note:**

**I love Roger/April together a lot, but they seemed to fit into this idea. As two people who loved each other more than anything _appear _to fall _out_ of love. And get caught up in a misunderstood connection, started by rage and regret. **

**Also since it's the future, I figure I might try to explore/build onto the weakness brought onto April since she doesn't appear to be like that at all. **

**There's still the whole question why to the _divorce _that should be answered too. hehe.**

**Disc. : Characters belong to J.Larson. Oh. And a tiny bit of lines from Blue October.**

**Thanks for reading.**

**-A.**

At a sound of a rather loud click, the front door became unlocked. The light on the front porch began dimming as she lifted her feet off the concrete and stepped inside the current living situation. The light of the hallway flickered on, igniting a glow around her thin silhouette as she moved towards the end of the hall. Knocking the pair of boots off her feet and she tossed them behind her in a careless manner. Stumbling farther into the darkness of the house, she cradling herself in her own arms. The only measure of safety she had left. Exhausted to a bearable extent, yet capable of collapsing at any given moment, her feet brushed against the hardwood floor as she walked. The destination appeared to be the newly refinished kitchen, the sink precisely. Twisting the knob to allow cold tap water through, she found the nearest glass of crystal in one of the cabinets, to the let the liquid pour into. Leaning against the counter, the woman gulped the cure for her dehydration into her starving body.

Three, two, one…

"You're home."

The house was well lit but not nearly enough to announce his presence when he had appeared to step out of the nearest shadows.

"Benny." twisting around she spoke quickly, startled. Quickly rephrasing, the young woman continued. "_You're_ home."

"Got off early today. Two meetings bumped to next week." he let know, approaching her in a steady manner.

Coming up behind her, he slid his arm around her waist and lowered his head to meet her face.

"Great." April quickly mumbled, tilting the glass once more and taking in some more of the cold liquid to escape the feeling of the embrace.

"Babe, " he whispered quietly into her ear, and she could predict where this was leading. Pulling away from the strong arms of this man, she backed herself into a corner without any intention to.

"I just- don't- Benny, don't." she protested. "I'm not feeling right today." she explained, attempting to pass by him, to escape the wrath of his eyes. His eyes had always exaggerated her uneasiness with him. As of lately, anyway. He hadn't been this man with a cold heart that everyone had sought him off to be. There was more beneath the surface, which had yet to be understood. And could not be explained. Yet in moments like this, it was almost as if crossing back and stepping in line along with the others who shared a negative outlook upon him.

Ben was hardworking, reliable, and motivated. She often judged herself that she was with him because he was_ comfortable. _There were never any issues with money or his ability to keep down his job. There was no question about him being loving and considerate. In the beginning, anyway. He had been the key to a successful relationship, providing everything she might need.

What more did she need? An arrogant, careless, and obnoxious jerk?

Been there. Done that. And it hadn't got her anywhere other than through six years of a failed marriage, a painful divorce and a child. Not that Thomas was anything but a blessing. And maybe the only thing was he had came to the people who didn't deserved to be blessed. It pained her to think of this, but the constant guilt of the hurt she was causing her child filled her from within.

Roger Davis wasn't _comfortable_, and there was the constant weight of the money issues that dragged them both down. There had been constant fights, but after the yelling and the shattering of the nearest objects stopped, there was passion. There had been love that beat all.

_Compromise is a key to a working marriage. _This and a number of other various reasons worked against the couple. One, both were too damn stubborn for their own good. Two, both were vital to requiring something more than a _'working'_ marriage.

And the last few years were nothing but one big obstacle course that they had come to fail before ever crossing the finish line in victory. Instead they took separate directions into pathways in hopes start anew. Dragging the shards of the fragile past behind in a careless manner.

"You okay? " Benny continued moving towards her. His face glowed with a smile, and all she could reflect back were the scars of constant fear. April passed through quickly, but hadn't made it a couple of feet, as he was right behind her again. Her dim eyes desperately searched for a way out.

"I just feel - weak." She managed out, hoping for some sort of remorse to let her off the hook and not into the usual occurrences, as she had bluntly confessed to her weakness. Standing with her back to him, she hadn't been able to read his face. To see the response.

Coming closer, he placed his hand firmly onto her shoulder. Only by her, it felt more like a sudden grasp, catching her off guard. The beat provided by the heart of this woman stopped for more than a few slight seconds, only to resume, sending her into panic along with it.

Her grasp on the crystal structure in her hand weakened. Releasing it before she had a chance to know what was going on. April shut her eyes before the glass shattered on the floor. The noise deafened her reality as she clenched her hands into fists, attempting to escape. Even then, she could see the shards, and feel them sink into her bare feet.

**Thanks for reading!**

**I could honestly use anything: ideas, advice, comments, critique I'm up for all harshness and honesty...anything that pops into your head, just type it into the review. **


	3. All the things I didn't do for you

**Note:**

**Hi.**

**Just so there's no confusing, this was part of chapter two before I changed it but I edited it a bit and here it is separate because it made more sense to me that way.**

**zzzzz Survey zzzzzzz -same as for the previous one, but I thought I'd jam it in anyway.**

**What you like to see more of the bohemians in this? If so, who?**

**Spoiler: I've started something with none other than Mimi in it, but I wasn't sure if you guys wanted to see others.**

And again thanks for reading!

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

One, two, three…

Her breathing resumed to sharp amounts of pain from within her chest, resulting from withdrawing herself of letting the air reach her lungs.

_Pause._

"What the hell?" his crispness of his voice echoed, shifting her back to reality. At least for a moment.

April hadn't reacted. She'd withdrew herself, her heart racing brought on by a simple incident. She hadn't known how to stop and resort to handling it in a normal manner. There wasn't an explanation she could give herself for snapping the way she did, but in some way she could see it coming.

And with Ben, it was only a start.

Kneeling upon the floor she took hold of a handful of the broken glass attempting to quick fix the situation. The shards pierced the skin on her right palm and before she could react, or at least look at the situation from a calm perspective, she raised herself up again as the shards fell back onto their place on the floor.

"I'm sorry…I don't know what I'm-" she tried, unable to find the words perishing under his gaze.

_Go._

"April!" April, where are you-" Benny started to yell before the door slammed in his face, leaving his words to be heard by no one but himself. Dumfounded by the sudden events, he began growing rather angered towards the confusion of the whole situation. A simple incident had sent her over the edge. A scraping of metal, and the garage door opened. Keys jingled in her shaking hands as she pried open the door to car. He stepped outside to see what was going on, to catch the glimpses of _her _car about to leave the driveway. The vehicle was never used. April Ericsson did _not _drive a run down version of a 1993 Saturn. The vehicle was stashed in a garage and rarely taken out to see the sunlight; it was surprising the engine still worked. Yet when he had brought up selling the piece of junk it was, she always refused. There was must have been something more to the piece of metal that met the eye, to her anyway.

Banging her foot on the jammed gas petal, it functioned on the third try. Turning the wheel all too fast, it swerved out of the driveway. In panic and fear, she was deafened against Benny's calls for her to return. The house appeared farther and farther away in the rearview mirror but the extent of the state she was in didn't allow relaxation. The road flashing before her eyes, she clutched onto the wheel, holding it at nine and four, as opposed to the standard ten and two. The bad habit had formed back in high school when she first got behind the wheel, and she had never stuck to the proper way since. Cars passing by all drove in the opposite direction, coming home as opposed to leaving the neighborhood. With a blink, she took a turn to the left; another blink and tears began to befall her soft azure eyes.

'_Suck it up, Ericsson' _she started to tell herself, wiping away the signs of weakness with a sleeve of a dark, loose gray sweater. She was no longer sure what to call herself anymore either. She had been April Ericsson once. The divorce wasn't finalized yet, leaving her as Davis for the time being. Coffin might be what the future brings, and although she wouldn't admit it to herself the feeling of being together was as good as being dead.

There would be a good few months until she was perhaps back to her own name, the delay in the lawyer's office was due to the paperwork of the battle for custody of the child. Neither parent wanted to give up Thomas, and when the mother was finally awarded charge for the boy, it became clear that both the adults would never make a clean break. Too much too tie them together, and all of it turned into a tragedy.

She wasn't sorry, there wasn't one bit of remorse on her own part towards herself. All of it however weighted itself down on the part of her son and a certain man; whose locks of dark blonde hair her son had inherited.

_'You broke our family, mom.' _

She found his voice echoing inside her head, repeating itself over and over. It came to be a broken record of her mind. A few more flashes of his face from the earlier in the night and she was ready to drive off the road. He looked the same. He was the same, yet she still felt in debt to this man whose life she now told herself she _shattered._

Another turn, and a freeway formed in front of her. The speed limit was raised, gladly. Leaving the needle jumping over the meter from time to time. There was no destination. Nor an explanation. There was to keep going, to keep driving until someone was to stop her.

_So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind._

_zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz_

He sat at a window ledge, staring out into the 'city of insomnia', it seemed. But with a closer look, he held onto a frame. He'd long put the boy to bed, compromising with his protests to give into sleep with promises of tomorrow's outings. Only then were the real emotions from the following evening unlocked. He hadn't expected to see her, for all he knew but there she was wanting in on his life in the present. She was the past, and he was sure to keep her there.

She had broken him too after all, no matter how hard that was to believe. Tonight, he'd lied to his own son about injuring his hand, just to not have to pick up the instrument he now dreaded, and which had been stashed away in a few places of the apartment.

The chords were no longer the same, the lyrics were nostalgic and the sound was lost inside the soul of a man who was long gone.

There was nothing more in between the two of them but an ever-growing feel of anger and rejection towards one another. However, he wasn't filled with detestation towards her, as he had appeared to be. That wasn't apparent to the rest of the world for various reasons, many of them he was unable of explain, even to himself.

A black wooden frame had its place in his firm hands. He'd come across it by a pure accident, searching through boxes for an old record. Along with it he'd found one of the notebooks he used to fill with tabs and lyrics. _Used to_ was the key, and there wasn't a feel that change was nearing. He hadn't bothered opening it to it's college lined paper, and traces of a black inked pen. Instead he tossed it aside like another unwanted part of this life he was leading. But the same could not be done with the frame that contained the simple photograph. His hand shook slightly when he had found it, and unable to put it away he'd been locked into it's embrace since. Roger had tried to take it out of it's frame to throw it away, but guilt had prevented.

Twice.

The glimpse that he had caught of the back of the photograph read 'Rog, Tom at five months and me.'

The handwriting was cursive, messy and hard to make out, if it was anyone but him reading. The words stood out perfectly of their surface, running back and forth through his mind. The endless moment captured in time that was this photograph contained a small baby, safe from the world, cradled in a shady blanket in his mother's arms. And she looked _good_. Healthy and still sporting the pregnancy glow, smiling wide at the photographer, a smile to kill for, like no other. Her eyes glistened reflecting back unimaginable amounts of happiness and joy. He'd put his arm around her back then, looking not at the camera but at the family. _His _family they had been.

It had begun to rain, which he took no notice of. As the rhythm of the drops against the window started he had just fallen deeper into the deep state brought on by the discovery of this object.

Mistakenly, it wasn't the idea of family that which had captivated him. It was more on her part that he grew attached to the matted photograph. It was what she had been years back, as opposed to as of now. She was no longer happy, content maybe, but not happy. She never laughed anymore, even with Benny she was never the same. Even her smile was loosing it's once surreal captivity. Pale and fragile she had become. Weak and afraid. Her thin frame frightened him, hipbones projecting through her clothing. Hair a bright shade of red, was now barely auburn. Her face seemed hollow, and eyes which used to glisten in the sunlight were no longer full of the same intensity. April Ericsson wasn't the same, she was vacant and broken.

Defeated at a battle she had no chance at on her own.

And more than anything he was afraid he had made her that way.

_Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be  
And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?" _

**Review… pretty please?**

**+ Feel free to tell me anything about what you've thought of it.**

**Thanks!**


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